Ancient Aliens, or Why I Hate the History Channel

As some of you may know, the (Pseudo)History Channel runs a series called ‘Ancient Aliens’, a series devoted to examining the historical ‘evidence’ of ancient, extra-terrestrial contact. For a skeptic, this sort of series is exactly the reason why the History Channel has come to be viewed as a veritable clearing house of pseudoscientific and revisionist history programming. Not only is the show presented as a serious discussion of real history, but there is hardly – if ever – a representative from the skeptical (or even from the mainstream historical) side. The claims made during this one-hour cavalcade of failure are so ridiculous that it is difficult to believe that anyone takes them seriously. But there are those poor credulous people amongst us who do, so let’s take a closer look at some of the more foolish claims shall we?

ANCIENT GODS ARE ACTUALLY ALIENS
As one ‘expert’ has said on the show (in an episode called ‘Gods & Aliens’), “We feel that extra-terrestrial entities are a more plausible explanation for these stories, because Gods don’t exist“. The stories the commentator was referring to are, of course, the mythologies of ancient civilizations – notably the Greek, Norse, Incan, and Indian – particularly the stories recounting interactions between the Gods and mortals. One of the more important claims made is that all of the ‘magical weapons’ of the Gods are similar to each other, and their descriptions are similar to some modern weaponry. Thor’s hammer and Zeus’ lightning bolts are apparently similar enough in their descriptions to warrant being compared, for example, although how anyone thinks that a hammer and a bolt of lightning are in any way similar is beyond me. I suppose when you’re reaching for connections, you’ll grab onto anything at hand, no matter how tenuous. Apparently, Thor’s hammer, Zeus’ thunderbolt, and other divine weapons might really be ‘directed energy weapons’.

Yep, those TOTALLY look like hammers.

There are a few unstated premises buried in this assumption, including the following:
A) Aliens exist and have visited earth,
B) They wield energy weapons against their foes, and,
C) Human witnesses dutifully recorded accurate accounts of what they saw.

I can certainly understand how these ‘ancient astronaut theorist’ came to their conclusions, given that they are apparently fine with leaving the above assumptions unchallenged and unsupported, but I can’t understand how they are able to convince others, given the incredibly shakey nature of their claims. I might as well argue that mythological deities are actually time travelling reverse vampires, because hey, beings such as they could easily be mistaken for gods.  I’d have just as much proof of my claims as the ‘experts’ on this show, but my theory would also have the added bonus of being both novel and creative.

TRANSLATIONS OF ANCIENT TEXTS COULD REVEAL THE EXISTENCE OF ANCIENT ALIEN VISITORS
This argument barely merits a response apart from: “Uh, yeah, translations of ancient texts CAN be interpreted to mean that if you already believe it to be true.” This sort of argument is guilty of begging the question, a logical fallacy in which a person uses as evidence an example of the very thing they are setting out to prove. In other words, interpretations of ancient texts are only proof of the existence of aliens if you have already decided that aliens have visited earth. It’s like saying that you know God exists because the Bible says that it’s the inerrant word of God. You can make ancient texts say pretty much whatever you want them to say, if you already have a narrative that you accept as true; ancient texts say ‘aliens’ to you, because you already believe that alien visitations must have been recorded by ancient people.  Ancient texts such as the Bible or the Koran are routinely used to justify any number of mutually exclusionary beliefs or practices; the Bible for example teaches pacifism and brotherly love, while also offering examples of God’s apparent desire to commit genocide and to have his children commit it for him.

ANCIENT MUMMIES AND SKELETONS WHICH FEATURE UNUSUAL CHARACTERISTICS ARE EVIDENCE OF ALIEN/HUMAN HYBRIDS

Uh, dude? There is something seriously wrong with your face... you should get that checked out.

This sort of claim is what Steven Novella of the New England Skeptical Society refers to as ‘Anomaly Hunting’. Alien Astronaut ‘theorists’ use examples of bizarre ancient mummies or skeletons as proof of the existence of ancient aliens who bred with primitive humans, but ignore all of the other, more prosaic explanations put forward by mainstream scholars. One of the most famous examples of this is that of the ‘Starchild‘ skull, the owner of which claims that its existence proves that ancient aliens had a thing for human women. Here’s a link showing all of the myriad things that are wrong with that assumption - creepy imagery aside. Folks that engage in this kind of pseudo-archaeology will essentially disregard the simplest explanations in favour of the more elaborate assumptions that fit their narrative. They will cherry-pick data such that only the confirming evidence – no matter how tenuous – is accepted, while all disconfirming evidence is ignored or explained away as ignorance on the part of researchers, or fear of the ‘truth’, or some other conspiracy (usually involving Men in Black or the Government).

ANCIENT MEGALITHS MAKE DESIGNS THAT CAN ONLY BE SEEN FROM HIGH ABOVE THEM, THEREFORE THEY ARE PICTURES FOR ALIENS
Or they were drawn as offerings or tributes to gods that were believed to live high above the earth, like just about every major god in history. The Greek Gods dwelt high above their mortal playthings, living at the summit of mount Olympus; the Abrahamic God is said to dwell in the Heavens above, as are most of the gods of the Sumerians and Babylonians. If you believed that the gods lived far above you, and you believed that they would appreciate a lovely drawing or portrait, you’d probably also feel that ‘bigger is better’. If the gods want art, it had better be big enough for them to see it; you wouldn’t want them coming down there to chastise you for honouring them incorrectly, would you? It’s often quite frustrating that people will go to such strange lengths (such as positing alien visitation) to explain the activities of early humans, when there are far more satisfactory – if prosaic – explanations available.  There is absolutely zero evidence that connects ancient mega-art with aliens, but there are good psychological and sociological reasons for thinking that such ancient pieces of art were made for the gods.

The same general principles hold true for structures like Stonehenge; there is no reason to link them to ‘aliens’, but there are perfectly mundane explanations which we can accept. One of the biggest complaints I have about ‘alien astronaut’ theorists is that they seem to prefer to believe that ancient humans were stupid or incompetent. Pyramids? Nope, humans could never do something like that, therefore aliens. Stonehenge? Aliens. Math? Writing? Art? Aliens. There is absolutely no reason to believe that ancient humans were any less intelligent than we are, and there is no reason to think that ancient builders, priests, and philosophers couldn’t discover, invent, or observe any of the things we can. We know that ancient Egyptian and Muslim astronomers and mathematicians developed highly advanced mathematics and models of the heavens; we know the Greeks could build extremely complex navigation tools. The ancient druids could recite incredibly long and intricate litanies recounting the history of their tribes, and the ancient Chinese had philosophers without peer. It is the height of arrogance and contempt of ancient thinkers to believe that they could not be – and were not – responsible for all of the many wonders of the ancient age.

I get it; thinking about the existence of ancient alien benefactors can be thrilling. There is so much about the ancient world that we know nothing about; in many areas, our understanding of the lives of ancient peoples is hazy at best. What did they see? What did they know? How much ancient experience and knowledge is lost to us forever? Were there civilizations that predated even the oldest of those currently known, and did they vanish from history without ever leaving a trace of themselves behind? Who knows? There are many gaps in our historical knowledge, and some of those gaps are deep; but their existence is not a license for anyone to fill them with whatever fantasy they like. By essentially making up alternate histories that cater to their own pet beliefs, these pseudo-historians and pretenders do a disservice to their ancient ancestors, human ones who rose from the muck and ashes to build a future for themselves and their progeny. And they did it without the help of ET.

Chiropractic: Cracking Spines for Fun and Profit, but certainly not for Health…

Chiropractic is a Complementary Alternative Medicine (CAM) which associates illness with ‘Subluxations’ in the body’s skeletal system – specifically, in the spine. It, like so many other modalities which fall under the rubric of CAM, is based on pseudoscientific principles that are entirely divorced from modern science and reason.

HISTORY
The earliest formulations of the Chiropractic ‘art’ were put forth by D.D. Palmer in 1895. Palmer, a grocer and “Magnetic Healer”, believed that invisible ‘life energy’ was the prime vehicle by which information (he never really said what kind) was transmitted throughout the body, which places his beliefs solidly within the realm of ‘Vitalism’. He believed that he had found a way to remove ‘energy blockages’ within a patient, which he felt were the cause of disease. More on that later. After claiming to have cured a deaf man and a man with heart problems, Palmer decided that he had found the absolute cure for all diseases, and began to aggressively market his new healing method. Palmer even invented a device which he claimed could detect energy blockages and misalignment in the spines of his patients, which he then began to market as well. The primary means of marketing Chiropractic ‘healing’ by Palmer was through radio broadcasts – thanks to Palmer’s sons, who took over their father’s chiropractic practice after his death.

GUIDING PHILOSOPHY
As I mentioned above, Chiropractic medicine falls under the category of vitalism, which holds that an undetectable mystical force (Chi, Bio-energy, Chakra, etc.) permeates the bodies of living things. Somehow, practitioners are able to manipulate this intangible, invisible essence to achieve their desired healing aims. In the case of Chiropractic, the practitioner believes that by manually ‘manipulating’ the vertebrae, he or she can ‘unblock’ energy pathways and promote healing. How this is accomplished seems to be something of a mystery however, as if life-energy or what many chiropractors refer to as ‘innate intelligence‘ is intangible, then how does body manipulation effect it in any way?

In more recent years, there has been a shift in Chiropractic circles, as some practitioners attempt to make their methods seem more scientific. There are some who no longer hold that ‘innate intelligence’ is at work, but that blockages and pain are associated with nerve and muscle trauma that needs to be addressed. Others have gone a different route, and have planted their practices firmly in the realm of the Alternative and the New Age; there are many Chiropractic clinics around that offer a full range of services, from Swedish Massage and ‘Lymphatic Drainage’ massage, to Reiki, Aromoatherapy, and Homeopathy. It is not difficult to see why: Chiropractic seems to have more in common with New Age healing and Woo than it does with any real medical modality. Here’s a helpful link which discusses the two dominant views of the modern chiropractic establishment.

CHIROPRACTIC ‘MEDICINE’ IN PRACTICE
A chiropractic ‘doctor’ will attempt to localize the source of the illness or pain by identifying the ‘Subluxation‘ that it is associated with (the explanation linked to here is one which attempts to seem more scientific than more traditional chiropractic philosophies) the ailment. According to the source linked to here, all problems that arise in the human body are caused by pressure being placed upon ‘spinal nerves’. Exactly how cancer, asthma, or joint pain are linked to such nerves remains a mystery – and one which Chiropractors seem in no real hurry to solve.

Once the ‘subluxation’ has been identified, the chiropractor then begins the process of ‘re-aligning’ the ‘misaligned’ vertebrae, often by rotating the neck or pressing firmly along the spine of the ‘patient’ until a loud crack is heard. Some chiropractors will attempt to force the hips to ‘pop’ and in some cases will insert their finger(s) into the patient’s anus to ‘adjust the coccyx‘! Other manipulations involve the practitioner physically laying across the body of the ‘patient’ and using their own weight to force the bones to shift. This can result in the practitioner touching a patient’s breasts or genital areas; imagine if a real doctor did the same sort of thing to their patients.

Generally, a chiropractic ‘manipulation’ will involve the patient’s neck, back, and sometimes shoulders and hips, regardless of what the patient’s original complaint was. I once visited a chiropractor for a headache, and after 20 minutes of back, neck, and hip cracking, I was charged $60 and still had a headache, which I fixed with ibuprofen after the visit.

Chiropractic ‘medicine’ is about as unscientific as it gets; virtually every large-scale examination of the practice has concluded that chiropractic has a success rate for dealing with pain that is no better than any other non-medical procedure, and less effective than taking a tylenol.

I used to see a chiropractor. I used to suffer from chronic headaches and, being the type of person who would refuse to see a doctor because I felt that there were ‘better alternatives out there’, used to visit alternative ‘healers’ on a regular basis. In the almost two years that I saw a chiropractor, I never saw any change in the frequency or magnitude of my headaches; it wasn’t until I went to a real doctor that I found out why I was getting them; I was essentially addicted to over-the-counter pain medication, and the headaches were a result of my withdrawal symptoms. If I had remained a patient of a chiropractor, I might never have solved that problem, or I might have developed a newer, more serious one.

Chiropractors will treat people with all manner of health issues; many won’t even ask for a patient history. They manipulate spines and other bones without ever seeing an X-ray, and they are now advocating for their ‘right’ to become the primary care providers of infants. Some chiropractors reject such medical basics as Germ Theory and more than a few are out-and-out anti-vaxxers. They market bogus devices at outrageous prices, and often couple their ‘treatments’ with other forms of quackery. They are not medical doctors, nor should they be considered reliable sources of health-related information.

If you are currently seeing a Chiropractor, ask yourself: Why? If you have a specific complaint, ask yourself why it hasn’t gotten better yet? If chiropractic claims to fix your problem, why does the problem still persist? There is absolutely no medical basis for the core claims of the chiropractic discipline, and the quality of the health modalities that it hangs around with ought to make any sensible person question its usefulness. If chiropractors regularly attend health fairs alongside chakra healers, angel therapists, and homeopathic snake-oil salespersons, that might be a good sign that it’s not really that interested in being right about its claims – only that you keep paying for them.